Forget Yesterday, Leave Tomorrow Where It Lay
by TheShippyQueen
Summary: Bates is a free man and he intends to spend it honouring his wife. *Something to get me through the CS!*


_**A/N: I don't usually write from Bates' perspective, so this is new to me, I hope it goes as well as I hoped! I wanted to write a little something that was warm and sweet and a glimmer of hope for Sunday. I hope you like it! Anyway, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone! xxx**_

**Forget Yesterday, Leave Tomorrow Where It Lay…**

My fingers fumble with the large key and awkwardly I unlock the door and push it open to reveal a large and ornately furnished hotel room. It's far more than I could ever afford, but then it's not me paying tonight, tonight comes courtesy of Lord Grantham, my protector, my saviour and now I am pleased to say, my friend.

"_I insist, my dear man! The room is yours for the night, take it and enjoy it. Then, tomorrow, come back to Downton and the cottage will be ready for you both."_

Lord Grantham had been so convinced that I would be released, he had arranged a hotel room for Anna and myself, a room for us to share the night of my release as a way of reacquainting ourselves with each other and putting the last few months behind us. It is a generous gift from him, but as I gaze into the room I can't help but feel some guilt, once again I am relying on others for my comfort tonight. It should be paying for this, me treating my wife, me being the man she deserves…..

I push aside such thoughts as she is gazing at me, I step to one side and smile down at my Anna, watching how her face lights up and she steps into the room, enthusing about how lovely it is, but my eyes are fixed only upon her, the only loveliness I see is that of my wife and I promise myself silently that she will always be the loveliest thing ever to grace my eyes and my life.

I close the door behind us, the soft click of the door in the latch signalling the end of the day for us, cutting us both off from the horrors of the last few months. I take off my hat, casting it onto a nearby chair as across the room, Anna inspects every detail of this lavish bedroom. I slowly, wearily, unbutton my coat, leaning my cane against the end of the large mahogany four poster bed as I do so. I lay my coat out onto the chair and move to the edge of the bed, covered in the thickest eiderdown, and sit down, leaning over to unlace my shoes and kick them gratefully off my aching feet. Comfortable, I turn my attention back to my Anna and one look at her and all weariness disappears.

She stands by the window, her profile illuminated by a lamp behind her. She's dressed in the deepest blue, it suits her skin so perfectly and the shape of the skirt and jacket accentuates her figure to perfection. Beneath her matching hat, her hair resides in a loose bun, strands tumbling free after a long and stressful day. I cannot take my eyes off of her as slowly she unpins her hat and then her hair. I am mesmerised as her golden hair tumbles freely about her shoulders and I am reminded of that heavenly night all those months ago, that night I took her as my wife.

She looks at me then, a soft smile lighting up her beautiful face and I am wracked with guilt as it all hits me. Everything I have put her through, all the pain and anguish, and for what? For me? She deserves so much better than the man that I am.

My gaze falls to the floor as shame, guilt and even anger wash over me. Of all the things I have done in my life, putting Anna through the last eight months is truly the worst crime I've ever committed. I faced my own death, but even that was more favourable than seeing my beloved Anna pale and shaking as my verdict was read out.

"You look exhausted." Her soft voice shakes me and I lift my head to see her standing before me, her hands reaching out. She strokes at my cheeks, then my temples and runs her soft thumbs across my forehead and my eyes close at the pleasure of her touch.

I sigh and nod slightly, leaning forward and burying my face against her stomach, inhaling deeply as her scent and warmth engulfs me. "Anna….I'm so sorry," I whisper, voice cracking slightly as I speak, my hands moving around her thin waist and pulling her towards me.

"None of that," she says firmly, her hands stroking at my neck.

I shake my head, determined that I must tell her just how sorry I am. Sorry for everything, but even as I say the words, I hear how hollow they sound. There aren't enough apologies in the world to make up for the torment and sheer hell I've put her through. How can I ever make it up to her? She doesn't deserve me, I don't deserve her, maybe I should have done us all a favour and hung…as the words echo through my mind, I hear Vera's laughter ring out and grimacing, I tighten my hold on Anna.

"No, I have to tell you, to let you know….I never wanted to hurt you, to put you through all of that…" I say, looking up at her, but her soft, delicate fingers press against my lips and she silences me, her eyes soft and loving.

"No more of that," she says firmly. "I don't want to hear it, there's nothing to be sorry for."

How have I been so lucky as to earn the love of this most wonderful woman? She's stuck by me through it all, seven years no less! She's been by my side, supported me and loved me when those around me turned. How will I ever repay her for her devotion?

"Why are you still with me?" I ask, even to myself I sound like I'm wallowing in self-pity, and I suppose I am. My life has been filled with sadness and heartbreak and disappointment, why should any of that alter now?

Her soft fingers are on my chin and she tilts my face upwards. I search her face, looking for some sign of revulsion or hatred; surely she must feel that after everything? But, my Anna surprises me, as she always does, and she smiles down at me, her eyes full of love, love for me.

"Because I love you?" she suggests softly. "Because you love me? Because we are meant to be together? Because I think I can make you happy? Because I know you will make me happy? Need I go on?"

I squeeze her tightly and grimace with emotion. "I love you…with every fibre of my being and I promise…" I have to pause to gather myself as my voice cracks again. "I promise I will do everything I can to make you happy, for the rest of our lives…I will try…try to be worthy of you."

She silences me again but this time with her lips, soft and gentle against mine. I kiss back, sighing into the kiss as I get my first proper taste of my wife in eight months. Her soft hands are either side of my face as we kiss and slowly I lean back onto the bed, pulling her gently with me. She follows willingly and eagerly and I shuffle back up the bed, bringing Anna with me until we are laid side by side on the great expanse that is the bed.

We share a few kisses then. In prison, in the long, lonely nights, I dreamed about my reunion with Anna and I confess most of my dreams always headed in one direction. After experiencing Anna on our wedding night, she filled every thought of mine each night, I relived each moment and regretted the things I never said or did in that one night. I planned out our reunion and it always involved a bed, a bed not dissimilar to this. I look at my Anna, her golden hair cascading across the silk pillows, her blue eyes gazing up at me with adoration, a soft blush upon her pretty cheeks and I feel a stirring down below, a stirring of desire, but I push it away, I won't rush this, won't be some bestial man, fresh from prison eager to take his pleasures at the first opportunity. Tonight it's all about Anna, Anna and her happiness.

I sigh then, resting my hand across her stomach and laying so that I am facing her. In prison, I made myself a promise, should I be freed and be reunited with her, I wouldn't sleep that first night, I would stay awake the whole night and just watch Anna, love her, worship her even. I wouldn't waste the night with sleep, I would honour our wedding vows in that one night and make sure she knew just how much she means to me. And, now it's here, I intend to honour that promise.

"What are you thinking?" she asks me softly, lifting herself up onto her elbow to look at me more clearly.

I sigh and smile at her, shifting a little closer, my hand pulling on her possessively, "Just how lucky I am to have you."

"No, it was more than that," Anna smiles at me and I have to laugh, my Anna knows me better than I know myself, I can't keep anything from her. "Tell me," she urges.

"I was just thinking that I don't intend to sleep tonight," I explain and she raises an eyebrow, her eyes sparkling with unspoken mischief and I blush- like a schoolboy, I blush- that is the effect she has on me. "No, I mean, I intend to spend tonight being thankful for you, there's plenty of time to sleep, but we have eight months to catch up on and I intend to start tonight."

She smiles then at me with a smile that clenches at my heart and once again I am torn apart inside at all I've put her through. I lie onto my back and cover my eyes with my free arm.

"I'm sorry for everything, Anna," I whisper.

She tugs on my arm, pulling it away from my face and her fingers are stroking my cheek once more, smoothing out the skin with soft, tender movements. "No more of that. You are here now and that is all that matters to me. The past is the past, and there it will remain, we have the future now."

I look at her, astounded and even more in love with her than I already thought I was. How can this woman, this beautiful woman be so understanding, so forgiving? How can she give me everything and ask nothing in return?

_Because she isn't Vera._

Strangely it's my mother's voice that echoes in my mind as I answer my own question and once again I'm wracked with guilt and relief, relief my mother never lived to see me brought so low as I have been these last eight months.

The future.

Anna spoke of the future and suddenly it's a bright light filling the room. I'm a free man now, free from it all, the chains of the past falling away, but something, something is still holding me down.

"I was thinking," I begin, my hand resting on her hip and drawing soft circles. "We should start to plan for the future. His Lordship has prepared the cottage, we could live there for a while and then…when and if we're ready, we could think about that hotel…"

"Mr Bates?" There's that impish look in her eyes, that look she offered me on our wedding night and I feel my heart beat a little quicker and smile at her, blushing again.

"Yes, Mrs Bates?" I answer with a cheeky grin that has her blushing.

"Tonight is the start of our lives together. Let us forget the past…"

"But…"

"No, we forget about it. It's gone, done with, over…we can't change it and we shouldn't want to, it's brought us here tonight…but we let it be now, we don't fall over ourselves to understand it all, we move on and push it aside," she says softly, her eyes fixed on mine, one hand stroking softly at my neck.

"The future?"

"That's tomorrow…and it will come soon enough," she explains. "But, tonight is now….and now it all that matters, let us enjoy it."

I smile at her warmly, for she is right. We always have tomorrow, but right now is all that matters and I intend to enjoy it, I'm done with denial, right now I will enjoy what I'm owed. I lean in towards her and close my eyes as the distance between us narrows. Our lips meet and I sigh contentedly as she responds so sweetly to me. I rest my hand firmly onto her hip and she matches my action, her own hand resting on mine.

"You've lost weight," I accuse as my hand trails up and down her side, feeling the bones in her hips and then her ribs. I let the guilt wash over me again, knowing I'm the cause of her weight loss.

"So have you!" she answers, as quick as a flash, her hands nipping playfully at my waist and I chuckle, all guilt rubbed away, just like that, just by Anna.

"I'm going to give you everything," I promise, punctuating the end of the sentence with a kiss to her nose and then her sweet lips.

"I only want you," she answers softly.

"I'll give you all the things you deserve," I whisper.

She shakes her head and kisses me into silence. "Do you love me?"

I give a noise of disbelief, "Of course I do!"

"Then that is all I need," she answers and before I can speak or object or comment she is kissing me again, my beautiful Anna, my angel, my saviour…my wife.

I cover her then, pushing her onto her back and looming over her, showing her I love her with my lips and hands and then finally my body, revelling in the feel of her, the taste of her, the sound of her…everything.

Anna is right, tomorrow can wait as it will come around soon enough and the past is exactly where is should be, it can't be changed and there's no point crying over it. All that matters is now and right now I have everything I could ever want in my Anna.


End file.
